Day 3: The Hard Part

Posted by on Mar 23, 2010 in Blog | 1 comment


20In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. 21If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work. 22Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. – 2 Timothy 2:20-22

Today was heart wrenching and exhilarating at the same time. Sadly, my day of seeking the Lord was interrupted. To be honest, this change of heart that the Lord is putting me through is intense. I’m not sure than I should even write on here for the world to see, but the Christian leader has to lead in honesty as well as other things. Us men of God are not excellent people, we are just people. Any honest preacher will tell you this. I could easily join the ranks of those who act as if everything is perfect all the time, but I would be a liar.

Momma didn’t raise a liar.

Coming home has been such a tough adjustment. We really don’t fit very much at all. We see, hear, and understand everything so differently than before. A trip on the ground around the world, living with the regular people of the developing unreached world, changes you; period. We arrived and from the second day until this moment we have been trying to adjust to this country again. The atmosphere seems different, or is that just me? I no longer believe everything I’m told. My entire trip was spent in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John trying to get to know Jesus. He has messed everything up with his pure motives, true honor, and courage. I’m glad he has mixed it all up. But now, some people I once admired I can hardly stand to sit in the same room with.

Now for those pastors reading this. Please, be sensitive to this next part and read it all the way through, as it is honest about my struggle. For a long time after coming back an anger grew in my heart towards many that promised many things but kept none. I would listen, call, and write. trying to follow up on promised given to us. Almost every attempt to follow up was ignored and shunned. Even some who answered the phone called back to change their minds. How could you promise, then avoid us? How could you give no care for your word?

Anger it was at first. Then, it turned into one of the most poisonous things on this planet: a bitter heart.

I pulled away from Pastors, disengaged from the churchy culture, and begin to make plans to build the work of the Lord from the many positive individuals that have partnered with Revolutionary Life over the past years. Quitting is not an option. There are TOO MANY hurting and un-reached. I have no choice. Now, that I have seen I am responsible. But , I figured I’d let the churches here in the USA do their thing, and I’d focus on the Kingdom of God as a whole and the lost. In some ways I still will focus on the Kingdom rather than a local church, but my thinking was wrong. After a few months the Lord rebuked me kindly, showed me my errors, and exposed the trap of the enemy I was falling into. It was at the meeting of a televangelist.

I heard Jesse Duplantis teach on how the Lord’s goal is always redemption from the parable of the prodigal son. The Father in the story was excellent at being a father, but the brothers were terrible at being brothers. The father loved both boys, just the older didn’t like the younger very much.

“Dustan, you must be willing to walk with people, You must be willing to endure to help. Just like over there, embrace your culture and help bring redemption to it.”

“But Lord, I get so angry.”

Silence. I know what that means: ‘Listen to yourself.’

“I know, I know.”

I was wrong. I admit it. There are AMAZING pastors and local churches in this world. I should have NEVER disengaged. I should have been a better brother. What sense does it make to write someone off because of the same ignorance I had two years ago. Most haven’t seen what we’ve seen. They haven’t heard the complaints of our brethren worldwide. I am a FOOL to fall into such harsh judgment. It has been a trick of the enemy. A sneaky little ploy to once again inject pride into my heart. Disgusting.

I began to get right and the clear direction of the Lord came. We were to move to Thailand to expand the ministry. We were to give more of ourselves than ever before. Re-write the vision.Get back in the game. Things started moving. Progress. Praise God! Then today the Lord let me experience some very heartbreaking things. Things I never dreamed I’d hear come from some people mouths came flowing out in furious rapids. They were flowing at me. It was insane.

Now, I’m not saying I responded perfectly today. I did not. But I will say that I realized a few hours ago that the Lord has been doing a major work. He is fixing me daily. Where I once was angry, bitter, and disengaging, I am now more set on engaging, working with, and helping pastors from all over this great country. We are brothers, and those with an honest heart are SO valuable! They are gold. Diamonds. We need them like never before to help us take the Gospel to the ends of the earth.

If we had not come home, experienced this pain, witnessed these silly happenings then I would never had been brought through that lonely rugged path that has purified another small chamber of my proud heart. I see now that this little detour was a road named sanctification. It was one of a million detours to go. The Lord has rescued me from bitterness that would destroy. What’s thrilling about our God is that he led me here and I know that this road, where I learn to see myself honest in my flaws and learn to desire redemption rather than damnation for my silly brothers, is just another step towards being SET APART.

Lord, I want more than anything not just to be another of the thousands, but to be one truly SET APART for your Gospel. I know I must be willing to leave my old self in the past and get rid of every dishonorable thing in my heart. It’s not easy, but I want to. Please help me not have evil intent, but always, for every single person, desire redemption. Never let me flip tables over again out of anger, but rather out of Love for you, Love for the Lost, and Love for my good brothers. I know I have a million miles to go, but my feet are yours Lord. Take me. Break me. Make me. Use Me.